vision. also, courage.

| disclaimer: I wrote this post a couple weeks ago, but since then, God has been speaking to me in different ways about my plans post-graduation, and I'm so relieved to say that I'm starting to sense God pointing me in a certain direction college-wise.  So, while this post is not entirely up to date, I still dealt with these things and continue to deal with some of them.  But I do want to say - praise God for answering prayers in HIS TIME and being faithful to guide us. |

I have chosen an official word for the year.  It unfolded out of life lately.

Graduation, college, applications, next steps, life plans, big roads - decisions, decisions, decisions.  This stuff has been weighing on me for the past few months.  It's hard to keep from wanting to give up sometimes.  Somehow everyone gets past this full, scary, and exciting season of life without a problem and they survive.  But in the thick of it, it can be suffocating.  (Especially for over-thinking, indecisive people like me.)

So many unknowns, so little ability to see into the future.  Crying out to God, asking for just a simple answer, a point in the right direction.  Not wanting to make a mistake, not wanting to step out and take opportunities, not wanting to be wrong.

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In December, one of my bestfriends and I were talking about vision.  She was writing a devotional about it, and I was thinking of Worldview Academy, a worldview/servant leadership camp we both (along with other friends) had attended this past summer.  Some of the core teachings revolved around five pillars of leadership: integrity, empowerment, attitude, vision, and meekness.  In our small groups, we shared our strengths and weaknesses out of those 5 traits.  I experienced something new and powerful about each of them, except for vision.  It wasn't really one that particularly challenged me.

But every day, I'm learning that God has perfect timing.  In broken English, my sister likes to talk about "God's perfect moment" as a powerful principle in her life.  He provides what we need when we need it, not when we think we need it.  We are prepared and ready by the time it finally rolls around.

Because lately, vision has started to mean something to me.

Many of my seventeen- and eighteen-year-old friends have pretty firm plans post-graduation.  So many graduation themes are about the goals and dreams - the vision - of those who are graduating.  People address seniors many times with the assumption that we know what we're doing one, four, and eight years from now.  But to the seniors who don't yet have a clear-cut, A&M-bound plan for their life ;), don't worry.  You're not the only one.

I often (wrongly) get annoyed when well-meaning adults ask me my plans for next year.  I don't know. I just don't know.  But I remember almost each one telling me, "there is nothing wrong with that."

I don't have a clear vision for my future - for college, major, career, life, calling.

But that's ok.
It'll come in time, exactly when it's supposed to.


So here comes the surprising part.  My word for this year is not vision.

It's courage.

Courage.

Lately I've recognized a good bit of fear in many different areas of my life.  The lack of vision in my life - as natural and just plain ok as that is - scares me.

One of my good friends, also a senior, has been waiting on God's direction for next year also.  She recognized clear cut roads, and sensed God speaking to her very directly, asking her to choose the road that would lead her to trust Him more.  She now knows what He wants from her.

The way things happen with me, is different.  My roads are sometimes vague, slow, and enigmatic.  That's just how it is with me.  And that's ok.  It's about learning how to wait for God, and to trust Him when it literally feels like I'm not going anywhere.

It's really, really difficult to wait.  I think it's more about not knowing what's going on, about feeling absolutely. nothing. that makes it hard.  I can wait, if I sense things getting ready to happen.  But to wait and not know or feel anything, is hard.

But it's necessary.

However, I've had to stop myself from getting comfortable in this place of waiting.  No matter what we wait for, it is not ok to do absolutely nothing - we need to wait prayerfully for God to reveal His plan.  Active waiting.  I've made mistakes in not acting upon opportunities while I had them.  I've had to actively keep the fire going in my heart, searching for what I have a passion for, & earnestly praying while I wait.  It's trying to figure out what to do while I'm waiting that's difficult.  Which opportunities are here to grow me while I'm in this season, and which ones are those that I need to hold off on until I know for sure, deep down.  I know that some of my friends have spent time, just as I have, crying out to the Lord, asking Him to just point in the right direction.  To give us writing on the wall to end the fear and frustration of not knowing.  And He has.  So now, I am just waiting.  Praying for a clear vision that I know will come soon.

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Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”