mid-may
Here I am, sitting again at this little blog of mine, trying to water what's been wilting while I was busy attending to other pursuits. Maybe I write because I need to process. Maybe I write because I want to remember. Maybe I write because it keeps me alive.
I haven't written much lately. My green journal has sat on my dusty table or in the cabinet with my school books where it's dark. Maybe my lack of writing has made me feel like I didn't have a good grip on the semester that just passed. Not in the I-haven't-been-able-to-process-and-I-feel-behind kind of way. More in the I'm-floating-by-depending-on-my-hard-work-and-time-with-people-and-not-spending-enough-time-with-my-Savior kind of way.
I did my laundry today, and helped mom with the vacuuming. Some of my friends are graduating tomorrow - from high school and college - and it's weird to find myself exactly halfway between. Does finishing finals for sophomore year automatically make you a junior, or does that happen when school starts again in the fall?
I like my Pinterest better than my Instagram. Maybe it's because I'm better at collecting other people's pretty ideas than at coming up with my own. Does it take anyone else a lot of effort to post a picture on Instagram, much less come up with a caption?
In two weeks, I leave home to begin a summer adventure for a few weeks. I'm excited, but it hasn't hit me yet. That's ok.
Half of the sky is blue and clear, and the other half is dark and cloudy. It rained earlier while the sun was out. It even hailed. Paradoxes intrigue me.
currently
I'm back at home for three weeks in between my bookend camp adventures. Good rest, my own bed, honest conversations with mom and dad, and Monte Cristo sandwiches have filled my time this weekend. And it's been good.
I am learning how to talk about myself. I am learning how to talk in general. Talking is hard; maybe that's the real reason I write. I'm also learning what it means to speak, but not use my own words. I'm learning to recognize the moments where my words would be insufficient, so God fills in for me. I'm taking Him up on His dare in James 1:5: ask for wisdom, and watch what happens. He fills in, He provides words, He gives understanding, He breaks bad things apart and binds good things together.
So far, I've just been processing, writing down memories, and listening to my melancholy playlist, with a few happy songs thrown in for good measure. I've also been feeling content. Strange how that can't come from inside me - it's always given from above. Last night I knew home is where I'm supposed to be right now. I helped lead worship at my school's orientation for incoming freshmen, and God used a couple of worship songs, some bumpy transitions, and the power of the Gospel to move in our hearts. About fifteen to twenty people trusted Christ last night, and I was part of the welcoming committee to the family. It blows my mind. Little reminders that we build kingdoms, whether our own, or His.
